The two Histories of Liberals and Conservatives

Evolution of Conservatives

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadichunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer andwould go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beerand the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to thebeer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were thecatalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:1. Liberals2. Conservatives.Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented,they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days monitoring and controlling thickheaded men who were perfectly designed to serve the more educated and refined men. This was the beginning of what is known as the Liberal movement.

Other men of a more intellectual nature and being more skilled in managerial duties learned to manage their bulkier yet dimwitted counter parts. Using them to attain and distribute meat and raw materials. One such intelligent Liberal leader invented BBQ sauce and with it found that if given to the conservative hunters it would shut them up while they gorge themselves on this newfound taste. Of course, the wives of the bullheaded hunters did all the sewing, fetching, fishing, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the Conservative movement. Some of these conservative men eventually evolved into snakes and rats. The rest becameknown as assholes.

Some noteworthy conservative achievements include the domestication of minorities, theinvention of slavery, group killing, and the concept of smash and grabto decide how to divide the meat and beer that liberals had control over.

Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, fattest land animal on earth, the elephant. A symbol of excess and indulgence if not meat headed strength. (also elephant groups are controlled and maintained by the female) Liberals are symbolized by the jackass aka the donkey. A reliable and resilient beast that helped forge the construction of the civilized world.

Modern liberals like imported beer because they understand that Europeans have been making it longer and or better at it. Some prefer white wine or bottled water as a way to stay fit and avoid the massive distended bellies that most of their conservative lessers have. Their tuff enough to eat raw fish, have learned to turn soybean into a protein rich food and like their beef, anyway it comes. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of conservative women have higheradrenaline levels than other women making them loud, high strung, and pushy.

Most Lawyers, Sales men, accountants, IRS workers, insurance adjusters and thieving CEOs are conservatives.

Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because conservatives do not know how to play nice with other people and only consider what they want.

Conservatives drink domestic beer because they do not know any better. They eat red meat as a way to be tuff to compensate for their lacking intellect. And still provide for their women because their women can’t do it themselves.

Conservatives are big-game hunters because guns and killing are simple.
Conservatives are rodeo cowboys because they like having big bulls strapped between their legs and it is good method to kill off and maintain an acceptable conservative population.
Conservatives are Lumberjacks because a large group of men in the woods is appealing to the conservative.
Conservatives are Construction workers because the liberals are paying them to do it. Conservatives are Police officers because they are power hungry and pitifully want to prove themselves.
Conservatives are corporate executives because they can steal from the workers.
Conservatives are Marines because they need guidance and must be told what to do.
Generally, Conservatives are anyone who works to further their own image or line their own pockets.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives because a liberal might expose them for the fakes they are.

Liberals produce cohesiveness and continuity. They govern the conservatives anddecide how best and fairly to distribute production. Liberals believe Europeans are our ancestors and deserve respect just as every other worthy person does. That is why most conservatives left Europe and came to America as criminals and outcasts. They stormed in and destroyed cultures, land and ecosystems and began to create a Wild West-everyman for himself culture. Finally, the Liberal showed up and could once again take control of the dim witted yet valuable conservatives.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberalmay have a momentary urge to delete this e-mail because all Liberals already know this stuff and conservatives are too intellectually lacking to understand it.
A Conservative will be so convinced of the absolutetruth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other conservatives thinking that it’s real instead of a joke.