The two Histories of Liberals and Conservatives

Evolution of Liberals

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadichunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer andwould go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beerand the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to thebeer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were thecatalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:1. Liberals2. Conservatives.Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented,they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at nightwhile they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing thesewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberalmovement.Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest becameknown as girliemen .Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, theinvention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic votingto decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, mostpowerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by thejackass.Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer whitewine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef welldone. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have highertestosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injuryattorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists areliberals.Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to makethe pitcher also bat.Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women.Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, constructionworkers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives,athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to workfor a living.Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers anddecide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are moreenlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America They crept in after theWild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberalmay have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwardingit. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolutetruth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other truebelievers and to more liberals just for the hell of it.